4 Under-used ewrestling characters.
Zappity do dah!
I couldn’t really think of a good opening to this blog, so I figured “Hey let’s just write the first thing that comes to mind.” Why the first thing that comes to my mind is a conjuration of Adam Sandler is a mystery.
After a series of serious essays where I lecture you on how to properly pretend to wrestle on the internet, I reckon it’s time to have a little fun.
I was sitting around thinking of the “glory days” of ewrestling, back when we wound up the ol’ crank and mashed the keys on the typewriter and let the fury fly towards our opponent! Then the anticipation of waiting only 4-5 days for his rebuttal. Technology made ewrestling possible, so we said good-bye to the old fashioned telegram and hello to instant gratification!
It brings back memories of old characters I remember:
The Dark Character
Ah, The Undertaker, a true legend in his own time. Not too many pro-wrestlers have gone through the changes, upgrades, downgrades, complete repackaging and alterations that ol’ Taker has gone through without being wished well in his future endeavors. The fact that it’s now 2010 and a character that is supposed to be a zombie/cowboy/mortician is one of the most beloved characters in the world is a feat in itself. For whatever reason, the Undertaker just works. Even when he totally ditched his magical cowboy gimmick for a generic biker, he still worked. Even when he morphed into some kind of warlock, satanic super villain, he still worked.
Taker is one of very few truly “dark” characters that isn’t some sort of vampire or voodoo guy that is. Then along came a twisted, deformed, lunatic of a man– kind. His poop brown tights, lecterish mask and 0h yeah, the whole confining himself to boiler rooms to do interviews was an instant hit.
What happened to these characters? Did we simply grow out of them? Does “dark” really have no place in wrestling anymore? I mean. Taker is still around but he’s become less of a zombie and more of a “striker”, whatever that is. In fact he’s constantly referred to by Micheal Cole as the best pure striker in the world. I’d sure love Cole to explain what the hell that means one day. Matt Striker, who I argue is the best pure Striker in the world would add a little doubt in this debate by pronouncing Taker as “perhaps” the best pure striker in the world. But Matt Striker is fucking jealous of everybody, the little cock dangling perv.
I guess we have Kane, but everybody knows that Kane is far too adorable to be dark. He’s like a big red, completely hideous looking teddy bear. No matter what Kane does, people love him! Kane could rip open a puppy in the middle of the ring and people would gush at the cute way that the bloody mess brings out Kane’s creepy multi-colored eyes. Then next thing ya know, there would be decapitated puppy toys packaged with the Kane action figure.
I remember back when I used to pretend to wrestle. There was one of my archiest of arch rivals named The Shadowed One, or “SO” as we called him because we were basically too lazy to type his full name. Things don’t change that much after-all.
Anyway, SO was a dark character, among many. He did the whole dark, grave-yard interviews, the pitch black depressing promos and the whole deal. So I mocked him in my roleplays by dressing my character HardKore in ridiculously big black hoods and what-not. This was FUN SHIT and I don’t see why it isn’t done that much anymore.
Vampires
There is always something sexy about Vampires. It’s like the female victims in vampire movies don’t mind being mutilated by an undead abomination from hell. As long as he’s hot, she spreads like a whore. Especially in the glowing brand of vampire in the ridiculously hard to understand series, Twilight. (Aka bitchifiction)
THIS IS TEH SKIN OF A KILLER!!!!! AND PONIES!
We’ve had quite an influx of vampire wrestlers over time, but they eventually went away. Gangreal, the Brood was a HUGE hit with young ewrestlers in my time. You couldn’t visit an efed at one time without some sort of Brood rip-off.
No reason this can’t return, right? Nah, everyone wants to be a super serious fart sniffer now. Everyone wants their character to be some sort of product of a bad childhood, abused douchebag. I don’t want to relate and feel sorry for your character! I want to fear it!
Hardcore Dude
There was a hilarious time when every fed had at least one Hardcore Frank or Barbwire Bob, thanks to ECW and Mick Foley yet again for popularizing the most bloody era in wrestling.
These glass eating pin-heads would slice their face open, even go as far as shoot high powered staples right into their body, wrestle on fluorescent glass shards and you name it.
It was a forgettable time for me, I don’t really like to see that bullshit.
But that’s the beauty of ewrestling! You don’t have to see any of that! We can bring it back and be just as mentally disturbing as possible and not make me sick to my stomach.
So where’s all the Steve Corino rip offs these days? We need people to mutilate themselves in their roleplays just to get in their opponent’s head.
I eat glass for the love of the business!
The Nerd
Thanks to Joey, long time forum member for this one. I can’t think of any nerds in wrestling at all. I mean there’s Irwin R Schiester of course, but he’s more of a dickhead than a nerd.
I think it might just be fun to watch some dork lumber around the ring and mistakenly get the win. Kind of like Eugene. Or you could have like a Carrot Top (the official mascot of RK) who is totally socially awkward, but when he rips his shirt off he’s a ripped, juiced up monster.
Or something like Groundskeeper Willy from The Simpsons. Who was always one of my favorite underrated characters.
Oddly enough both gingers. It’s not like the idea of a jacked up ginger is beyond the realm of possibility.
Not that he’s a nerd, but gingers are generally weird by design. Truth!
That’s all for now folks!
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9 comments
Davey Decay on May 10, 2010 at 12:57 am
… my character Acid Burn (been playing him for nearly a decade now) is a repackaged version of The Undertaker mixed with Orton Lol.
But overall, I agree with ya… most of these characters are completely not used.
LJB on May 10, 2010 at 2:19 am
I started my E-fed career as a dark biker type character named Shadow he was based on WWE’s Vance Archer who at the time wrestled under the name Shadow. After about a month I evolved the character into a billionaire business man with the excuse he was just following his agents advise to hide his real identity.
styg on May 10, 2010 at 8:29 am
I thought you were being sarcastic with the first three, but I’ve hardly ever seen nerdy types in fedding. That’d be interesting. The other three are extremely common in my experience.
Richy on May 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm
There I was thinking EVERYBODY was trying to be a hardcore character.
I still see some dark characters, but not as many as before and I’ve never seen a nerdy one.
Legion on May 10, 2010 at 9:13 pm
The closest thing I’ve seen to nerds in eW have been the superheroes…lol
Kut on May 10, 2010 at 10:33 pm
Thanks for the comments <3
Lord Jaguar on May 15, 2010 at 1:12 pm
I did a Mikey Whipwreck, scared to face his bigger, tougher opponents char once.
Jacob Kilconey on May 16, 2010 at 4:06 pm
In my fed, we have a couple of Hardkore wrestlers, a couple of dark wrestlers, but no Vampires or nerds.
Morrigan on May 18, 2010 at 5:32 am
like Styg, i thought you were being sarcastic on the first few.
honestly… i was rather glad when the ‘dark’ characters and ‘vampires’ started dying back. i saw so many of them that, even as someone who moves in the real-life goth culture circles, i was tired of it. these guys used to be so overplayed that you couldn’t go to a place without seeing at least half a dozen vampires and/or tortured souls already on roster. as a booker, i had the urge to pitch them all in a cage and let them have a goth-off. as a player, i remember participating in one federation where there were so many vampires that my character wound up facing nothing but them for months at a time. i just ran out of material on promoing on the same thing and started having her run around in a black cape with those bad kiddie halloween fake fangs to Bauhaus’ “Bela Lugosi’s Dead”, committing vile acts of pseudo-villainry. I BURN ANTS WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS. BWAHAHAHA.
i’m just… glad vampires didn’t pick back up with Twilight. knockoff Lestats were bad enough.
nerds have never been in fashion in efedding… but then, my place has long been irregular. i can think of three we’ve had–
currently, A.D.D., a hyperactive, perpetually optimistic otaku kid, “that easily distracted goofball you knew in school, or as close to it as makes no difference.”
and in the past:
*Doughboy, an overweight gamer who only came out of his parent’s basement to wrestle for money to fuel his tech addiction.
*Walter Worthington Wagstaff III, a PAINFULLY nerdy, delicate FBI agent out to take down the world of pro wrestling from inside. he puked at the sight of blood and perpetually won via DQs, lucky freak incidents, and eventually the militant black woman he hired to have his back. possibly one of the most unique gimmicks i’ve ever seen.