Another K&P so quick? Must be your lucky day! Or maybe I’m just mind-fuckingly bored and have a few things on my mind? Either way, you’re stuck with my whiny ranting again. You love it. Oh yeah, you love it. Yeah, so please excuse all the grammatical errors and bad writing, because I frankly don’t feel like proofreading for a blog.
I’m going to skip the usual real-life banter because I had a rather suck-infested Father’s Day. Chicken in a bucket and most of the day alone, what a trip. Moving on…
My TNA Experience
1. I don’t own a “Tivo” but it sounds weird saying “DVR‘d”.
2. TNA has hit a plateau, a very uninteresting plateau.
3. I have a bad habit of “misusing” quotations.
TNA hasn’t been on my mind lately. Who am I? Just a single wrestling fan. Do I really count in the grand scheme of things? Probably not, being that TNA is not really suffering from a ratings failure. Last I checked, TNA pretty much stays in the same ratings pattern… perpetually… for years with a couple of slight boosts. This can be viewed as a good thing as I’ve tried to justify over the years because TNA has actually grown since it first hit Spike TV. I remember when TNA was consistantly below the defining 1.0 mark. They brought in guys like Sting, and a slew of WWE cast offs and still remained below 1.0 for some time. Then a few things happened, they seemed to bail on their plan to be something completely different and became a clone of WCW of all things, they had a few nice storylines such as “The Christian Coalition” and things picked up from there. Now TNA stays well above that 1.0 mark on a weekly basis.
This could mean that the TNA fanbase is solid and dependable and are willing to spread the word. Or it can mean that TNA has developed a hard-core fanbase that are creaures of habit. How long can TNA hang on to these fans? They are losing me, so I can’t imagine I’m alone.
On my forums, when the subject of TNA comes up, I never see too many positive remarks. In fact, when I was a big TNA fan, I never found much support. It’s now been weeks since I’ve watched a full broadcast and I can’t say I miss it. When I do happen to catch TNA, it’s just a blur, completely unmemorable.
I wish I could put my finger on what exactly sucks about TNA lately. A few things come to mind quickly:
1. They have no clue how to use their talent.
They have an instant star in AJ Styles. The guy is a former world champ, multiple times, and his name used to be something that created nerdgasms within the IWC (Internet Wrestling Community). I never followed TNA before it hit Spike, so I got to witness the Stylez fever through the multitude of forum sigs that used AJ in a totally non-gay way.
Apparently, he was quite the grappler who had a moveset that rivaled any other wrestler known for an ariel specialty. It’s also apparant that he dumbed down quite a bit once he hit TNA. But even I, who never follwed TNA prior to it’s mainstream jump, could still see the star potential in Styles.
2. They managed to screw up the Knockouts
Once the penical of the entire Impact show, they seemed to have hit a wall in this area. The thing that got my attention about TNA’s ladies was the lack of silly dance contests, pointless bra and pantie matches, jello fights and whatever else the WWE thinks is cute. These bitches can go! They can wrestle and they can control a crowd close to the men in TNA and that’s just not the case in the WWE, most likely by design.
You didn’t watch the Knockouts for the sole reason of hoping a tit popped out, you watched them because they were entertaining. Now what do we have? Possibly the most over girl, ODB is now in a “love storyline” with Cody Deaner Who is a class act by the way, I actually met him and worked a wrestling show with him in Canada. (It wasn’t related to TNA at all, just had a lot of TNA stars)
Anyways, ODB was the first girl that I ever heard audible chants for. The crowd used to go nuts when ODB came out. She’s fucking hilarious, she’s a good talker (sometimes) and she’s a very capable and worthy big girl. Sure, some of the WWE divas get a loud pop, but name one that gets her name chanted by the fans? I can’t think of a single one. I dare say that ODB could have been TNA’s “Austin” if done right. People will flick the channel to TNA if they knew what the fuck to do with ODB. What a shame what they’ve done with her. It amounts to basically nothing.
The Beautiful People. Oh my god, I swear that my balls throb when they do their ring entrance, rubbing their labia seductively on the ropes and what-not. Best part is you don’t get that whorish after-taste like you do with the WWE girls. This is because you know they are legitimatly entertaining and not just some peroxcide dipped eye-candy that didn’t know what the hell wrestling was before 4 years ago.
Speaking of peroxide dipped eye-candy who didn’t know what wrestling was before a few years ago. Despite Kelly… Kelly being similar to a blow up doll, she’s come a LONG way in the ring. The part that gets me is she wasn’t interested in wrestling AT ALL. She didn’t approach the WWE, they came after her. She’s now one of the better divas to watch in some ways. I digress.
What the hell happened to the BP? After that whole silly Sarah Palin thing didn’t pay off, they seem to be going in no particular direction. With all those years and even decades of experience in the locker room, they can’t think of SHIT? Come on!
I think this is a good example of making a great storyline come to a head, then giving the stars a break for a few weeks so they don’t get stale. I think they should give this a try.
There is a good amount of talent in TNA, very capable minds backstage and I’ve worked with a few of them. One of my fondest memories was meeting a few of the top stars of TNA. I wasn’t exactly “star struck” but I was completly dumb-founded and totally out of my league when I tried hilariously to have conversations with them.
When I met Alex Shelly, he seemed like the typical popular guy. All the other indy boys and even a few bigger stars were surrounding him while he went on about stuff I couldn’t hear. So what was my big ice breaker? What was my big opener that would make him see me as an equal and possibly cool?
I showed him my fucking tattoo. You see, he’s a legit mark for Detroit. I was born and raised in Detoit. So I have a 313 tattoo (this is Detroit’s main area code for like ever)
After I showed him my tattoo, I felt like the biggest fucking dork on the planet. He didn’t shun me or laugh or anything. In fact, he thought my tattoo was cool and told me about the clothing line he was currently creating that featured “313″ in the design. So he’s a classy guy for not laughing in my face at least. He seemed very cool and very approachable.
Now this guy wasn’t an easy book to read. He seemed so serious, so well, angry. He was mostly busy working out backstage, doing short laps, push ups and the whole deal. He might have been pissed because he was booked to lose to a rather small time local hero. Oops, did I just break kay-fabe?
Anyways, I got to spend a lot of quiet time with Roode. He didn’t seem as weirded out as I was. It was just myself and him in the locker room and I got to ask a lot of stupid questions. I told him I was a fan and asked him some of the most embarassing questions because that was all that my brain was willing to do for me.
It wasn’t an overtly creepy moment, I guess. But I could imagine him telling me to shut the fuck up in his mind.
Why they are ignoring this guy is just well beyond the realm of logic. This guy is OVER. He was the most over guy at our little show, hands down. He was also the most entertaining.
We had this little 2 step ramp set up and EY got on his knees and backed down the ramp, cautiously so he didn’t hurt himself. This was the highlight of my short “wrestling career”. It was hilarious.
When I first saw EY, he was sitting in the crowd before the show started wearing workout gear and cowboy boots for some fuckin reason. I think he’s a legit class clown type.
I also got to spend a little quality time with him and we spoke for a good while because the show was WAY behind due to countless unforeseen reasons. When it was just me and him in the dressing room area, he was very quiet and laid back, very unlike when he was around the rest of the boys. I didn’t spaz out like I did with Roode, tho. We just talked, general chit-chat while he got ready to go out for his match.
Before you think I’m some kind of perv, I was sitting in the dressing room because I felt out of place hanging around the rest of the boys in the backstage area. They all came in randomly and got geared up for their matches. I wasn’t lurking the lockeroom looking for dick shots. Even tho Tito Santana decided to take his shower while I was sitting there on the bench, LOL. For his sake AND MINE, I looked away when he came out of the shower to get dressed.
I sat in the lockeroom for numerous reasons. First, I didn’t belong with the rest of the boys. I’m no wrestler. I didn’t share anything in common with them. Also, the boys kept coming up to me asking me questions that I didn’t know. They thought I was part of the booking, which I was not. I was just a friend of the booker, there to help with whatever he needed.
The thing that got me most uncomfortable was when the cutest little diva approached me while I was standing on the wall, looking lost. Her name was Cherry Bomb, I believe she was local to Canada and she gave me the biggest smile and the friendliest greeting and I was immediately infatuated. After this, I immediately backed away because I just didn’t know what to think about that whole awkward moment.
It wasn’t that I thought she was flirting, but it was very awkward. She may have been just being nice…. Way nice. I mean, I’m 6 foot +, a big fella, and I don’t think I’m a bad looking guy, she might have thought I was going to be wrestling as well. It became clear that she thought more than what I was. So I kind of re-directed her attention elsewhere.
My wife and kids were sitting front row, and I’m back in the back mingling with hot divas, it just didn’t feel very “right” at that moment. So I slipped back into the lockeroom alone, while random wrestlers of all levels came back and got dresse. So that’s my disclaimer.
Tito Santana of course, along with Greg the Hammer Valentine were there to settle a 25 year old rivalry. I didn’t get to talk to them, as they spent hours backstage talking to each other as you would expect vertans of this business would do.
I did get to meet Lanny Poffo which was probably the worst part of the whole night for me. Believe it or not, I didn’t even recognize the guy. He was asking me questions and I was passing him off as if he was some random janitor. He surely felt that burn and I was highly embarrassed. I mean, in my defense he didn’t have his signature goatee and jew-fro. He wasn’t wearing his cap and gown or carrying a frisbee with a poem inside. I should be the one that was pissed off.
Yep, Smiley was there too. Along with his uncomfortably fruity tight trunks and his little dance he does. He was immediatly recognizable even in his civis. He asked me what the line up was for the night and I refused to tell him, as I was holding the fucking card for the night in my hand. He seemed to think I was a jack-ass, which I kind of was, but I didn’t know exactly what I should do and what not to do. The Blue Meanie was sitting next to him and he said “It’s ok to tell us, we’re kind of supposed to know”. I felt real dumb, but I still didn’t say anything because I didn’t know if I should.
In the SAME BREATH, I told Robert Roode what the ticket sells were like, which was even a bigger mistake then telling the stars what the card line up was. It’s like Jesus Christ! Can I DO ANYTHING RIGHT? Fuck! There wasn’t a HUGE turnout that night, but there was a lot of folks there. Giving away the exact crowd could have risked a lot of of the guys even performing and that was the stupidest thing I could have ever done.
This was the most impressive guy, I think. He seemed like the most into the business to me. When the promoter had some personal issues, Deaner stepped up and basically re-wrote the whole show down to the times. He was the consummate professional during a time when the whole show could have been ruined. Then after that, he was most entertaining in the ring. He put on a hell of a show. He’s nothing like his gimmick. Which is probably why I was so impressed, because he changes his whole personality when he gets in character.
There were a lot of impressive guys there, not everyone was from TNA.
Here’s the line up for the night, some of the card was changed by Deaner. So it wasn’t exactly the same.
If I were you, I’d look up Danger Boy. He’s awesome. Here’s a taste of what guys like Danger Boy do for 50 bucks a night. Eric Young was pretty impressive here too. (This was NOT our wrestling event)
Hayden Avery is also a very cool guy. He’s emailed me since the show to invite me to other local events, I couldn’t make it, but I will seek him out in the future.
I decided to scan that card the Deaner wrote up. The penned in times in blue ink are mine, they were the actual times that the matches finished.
The craziest part of the night was when two fans asked me for my autograph, how many people can say that?
I also got to hand the tag team belt to Deaner and his partner during the show. I also got to ring the bell and keep the time, which was a treat. I did manage to salvage the actual times for the night, but I never bothered to scan them into the computer. Maybe I’ll do that the next time I talk about my first and only wrestling job.
I did want to talk about wrestling news, and come up with some solutions for TNA, but I am way too drunk now.
So I gotta end this thing because I can’t seem to stop making typos.