Retro Review: Mario Kart Wii

I mentioned I wanted to review this game in one of my last posts and for some reason, I still do. I have no experience reviewing video games and I don’t even consider myself a ‘gamer’ by any stretch of the imagination. It’s bad enough that I run a website that revolves around wrestling, I do still want vagina at some point. But something is forcing me to waste yours and my time by writing this review.

Hell, all I own at the moment is a dusty collection of PS2 games and a Wii with 4 games… well 5 if you count that stupid but fun Wii sports. Technically I own a few virtual games that I downloaded off the Wii shop channel as well. But I don’t count them as Wii games. I think of them more as fancy roms that I wasted money on. I own “Generic White Guy’s” Punch Out. I find it repulsive that they took Iron Mike’s name out of that title over a silly rape. I own Mario World 64, Columns, some very dissapointing version of Street Fighter that didn’t even have the original bone crunching sounds and collapsing effects. …And of course Mario Kart 64.

I’ve been a fan of the series since probably SNES. Mainly because that’s where it all began. I was always a huge Nintendo fan and it paid off, because most other systems just didn’t make it. Atari, Sega, Neo-Geo, and so on. I’ve owned every Nintendo system available, well besides that forgettable “Virtual Boy” and maybe a couple of the 200 versions of their portables. I’ve had the original Gameboy, Gameboy color and both my brats now have DS and GameCube. I digress…

So basically, you drive cute little NES iconic characters around in cute little go-carts and fire various weapons at each other to disable and maime your way to victory! What is not to love?

I’m not going to review the series, however, just the Wii version.

The Good!

1. They finally got online play right!

The online Wi-Fi system for this game is damn near flawless! I don’t get any lag, the way you join races is quite brilliant and you can play up to 12 other players from around the world, or regional or from your friends list. I’m a loser with no friends on my list, so I race strangers.

Best of all, you can battle online! Battle mode is probably my favorite part of the MK series and it was perfected with the 64 version. Which brings me to the ‘bad’ later in this review.

Also good is the vast array of vehicles you can unlock and the matching huge list of characters hiding behind some easy and some complicated methods to find them.

The Bad!

There’s not much bad about this game, but the things they got bad are very disappointing.

For example. the battle mode is almost useless to me now save the one level called ‘Funky’s Stadium’. Every battle mode level except Funky’s is basically a death-trap level. Which means, the care-free driving while looking to slam your opponent is now dead, thus the battle mode is dead to me. They killed any strategy we used to love using as well. Now most of the level are pretty much, stay alive for 3 minutes while the landscape tries to kill you.

For instance, in Mario Kart 64, there was only one real bad death trap level and that was the Skyscraper. We generally avoided it unless we felt a little frisky and wanted to show off our battle skills. Skyscraper was the put up or shut up level. It wasn’t the most fun. It was the hardest and least fun.

For some reason, in Maro Kart Wii, just about every level has death traps surronding them. At least the 4 new levels. They included 4 old levels from older games and none of them are worth playing much. They didn’t include any of our old favorites that’s for sure. Block Fort? No Double Decker? WTF NES! They even included the Skyscraper for some reason. It’s almost the same as the stupid “haunted house” level on the Wii levels.

I see no point in playing any of the battle levels besides Funky’s Stadium and that gets old. Driving carefully to avoid killing yourself is not my idea of a fun battle. Delfino Pier is intesting at first, until you learn how small the battle area is. Then water starts closing in on you, making it even smaller. I don’t understand this concept. You want to attack and murder opponent’s ballons. Not worry about the landscape trying to kill you. It’s like the Hurricane Katrina level or something without the looting. Well, there is looting if you play the “coin runners” version of battle, which I never do. Seems like a utterly pointless waste of disc space to add that coin collecting constest.

There’s also two other new levels that are virtually the same. You drive around in a relatively small circular area and try to avoid a giant monster in the middle that can steal your balloons AND lives.  One is a desert with a ton of fucking murderous landscape that you must avoid hitting, not to mention a giant thwomp in the middle of a quicksand center. WHAT FUN?!!!  TRY AND STAY ALIVE FOR 3 MINUTES! ( I’ve only played once or twice because it’s lame) , one is a fucking ROULETTE WHEEL- Complete with a giant killer chain chomp. NES dropped the ball on the battle mode, big time for this fan.

They brought back Block Fort (Nearly identical), and when I first saw it, I nearly had a nerdgasm. Then after a while, the floor started opening and fucking bottomless pits came out of nowhere. WHY?? Now the most fun level of them all was a drive slow or die level. And they took away that sweet top level of rafters where you could sniper your opponents from above. I wish I could SLAP Nintendo for this horrible, horrible mistake.

Then you can only play on a team in battle mode. Why? I have no idea. You can get the most POINTS, but what’s the fun of gloating on some stupid points? I want to murder everyone and leave a bloody path with ME standing victorious over the sea of carcuses of shells and rubber!

Then, what’s with the god damn time limit addition? 3 minutes to try and pop as many caps in people’s ass as you can? You either celebrate with a team or sit on top of a mountain, crying while watching the winning team have a parade below. I could go on and on about how much the battle mode sucks, but I do find it fun to hit Funky’s Stadium now and then and kick a little ass like old time’s sake. 3 big minutes of ass kick, in 2 out of three rounds… yep.

I don’t have too many other problems with the game other than the stupid rehashing of old versions. I don’t really think they should have included so many older levels. I mean, there’s A LOT of levels, which is great, but alot of them are just shit I’ve seen before. Why not create some new levels that we can download? Why not just include only NEW levels and save the old levels for download? I like seeing new things, but that’s just me. I think Nintendo is missing out on a huge opporotunity here by not creating new levels and linking them up with the Mario kart Channel.

I guess I do have a problem with some of the new weapons. I haven’t played ALL versions of Mario Kart, Double Dash, DS and the lot. But where the fuck did they get the idea to include an unavoidable shell that usually comes from last place and ONLY goes after first place.

I don’t remember the original shell being this shitty. At least it attacked whoever happened to be in front of it before now. I haven’t been able to dodge this shell once yet. This shell pops up way too often for my liking. I got hit with like three of them in a row a couple of game, guaranting that I lose. …I don’t like to lose.

Why are the shells so fast? The green shells can literally go circles around you. I’ve tried to avoid getting hit by red and green shells by using the mutli-mushroom and they still catch me.

There’s another problem. It seems really unfair that more common than not, I get hit like 3-4 times in a row when playing against the CPU. A cannon hits me, then someone with 3 red shells and then a starman charged asshole rams me over a bridge and it’s pretty much impossible to catch up after this. I mean, can I have a SECOND to recoup?

When did the damn green shells get so smart? I get hit by these WAY, WAY to often. They bounce around forever and they now seem to aim at you. I like the bob-oms, but they get used way too much in higher CC races.

The Ugly

Wi-fi racing is addictive! But it’s now infested with so called “hackers”. They have the ability to cheat their way to first automatically, they can also choose whatever item they want at whim. I’ve even witnessed them somehow using more than one character and it gets pretty creepy at this point. I’ve literally seen some guy use two of the same exact Wii characters, both always picking the same course and almost always ending up in first and second place.

Tip: If you see someone with a 3 star ranking, you should just end the race and find another. These guys 9/10 times cheated to get that ranking and are probably cheating online. It’s highly improbable to get a 3 star ranking. That means they got a 3 star rank on EVERY LEVEL on EVERY speed. I don’t recall getting a 3 star rank on a SINGLE race at all. I usually get 2, but no higher.

Nintendo is trying to block them from playing, but they get through. Every other race online has one, since I’ve been paying attention.

It’s late, sorry don’t have time to proofread! I’ll get back to that later. Bye!

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