KHill’s RAW ReCrap 3.02.09

We open up with a montage recapping the Triple H/Randy Orton feud with Triple H’s day time emmy speech from last week as a voiceover. I still think Steph took the RKO better than half the roster. The video continues with the final segment of RAW. Triple H pulls a fast one and pulls out a second sledgehammer. And the chase begins.

And now the RAW theme airs. We’re live fools! Damn Boston. They get way too many shows. Knoxville, TN is lucky to get one every 2 years. This counts house shows. Orton chooses which title he fights for at Mania tonight… Wait, it isn’t obvious? Whats all this Triple H business then?

King is in the ring. Vickie has an announcement and King is the messenger. Its the biggest announcement ever! Besides that 14 year old he touched. (I love JB!) Tonight will be a World Title match. Edge defends against Cena #417. King is so damn excited like he saw tits.

We go to the stage where the Pipers Pit set is up and his music plays. Suddenly Jerichos music interupts the bagpipes and soon enough Jerry Co comes out. He says he didn’t want to do this but wants to host Pipers Pit himself. Shows the Pipers Pit where Piper hits Jimmy Snuka with the coconut. Damn Piper was racist on that one. How did he get away with that? Thats right Roddy, rub your banana all over Jimmy’s face.

Jericho introduces Jimmy Snuka and that ever so 1980s music plays. Jericho sits and waits, and Snuka comes out. Now theres a true legend in my opinion. No jokes on Superfly… yet. Jericho shows footage of the Piper/Snuka feud in ’84. Old school baby! King and Cole are ruining this video though. “Sweet memories huh Jimmy. You looked good back in those days.” Jerry Co wants some Superfly. Snuka embarrasses himself by still wrestling in high school gymnasiums today. Jericho calls him selfish for entering the Rumble this year and holding back the young talent. Got a point. I MISS DYKSTRA!

Jerry says that if the wrestlers arnt careful they will wind up pathetic like Snuka. Nobody loves Snuka anymore. Snuka could go to TNA and be Emo now. Jerry asks if he understands and Snuka channels his inner Eugene and says “I DONT UNDERSTAND” with a borderline mentally retarded tone. Jericho wants to reminisce and brings a pineapple and banana. Snuka has the coconut now and has Jericho cornered. Jericho runs and Snuka stands strong. That ending sucked. Oh wait theres Christopher and knocks the set down on Snuka. Its like paper but it damn near kills Superfly. What a pansy. Jericho unbuttons amazing suit #37 and whips Snuka with his belt. Asks if he wants more. Apparently Snuka says “yes please” because Jericho whips him like Britney Spears does her babies. Rubs his banana in Snukas face. So much for your PG rating. Jericho prevails! The good ol’ “asshole” chant emerges as we fade to commercial break #1.

KHill’s Did You Know: I have no current facts at this time… I let you down.

They replay the ending of the Jericho/Snuka segment. King is really having a problem getting his point across. But Im pretty sure hes saying you shouldnt beat up old people.

MITB breifcase hangs above. Another triple threat match to qualify for the match. Out comes Rey Mysterio. Has he been in one of these yet? That amazes me if he hasnt. I laugh that just because she speaks Spanish Lillian says Rey Mysterio by rolling her tongue.

Mike Knox’s beard is out next! Ya know, I think Knox would have an advantage in a ladder match. He can tie his beard to the top of the ladder and use it like Batmans hook thing and zip to the top and get the briefcase.

Kane is out next and Rey goes “whoaz! these doods is like tall!” and runs to the outside. He gets chased into the ring and gets the better of Kane. Knox grabs Rey and slides rey headfirst under the ropes and he falls to the floor. Knox and Kane connect double big boots on each other and are down as we go to commercial. These commercials always annoy me.

We’re finally back and Knox has Rey “stretched backwards” on his knee, but really hes just leaning on the knee. Rey uses his knees to get out and runs to the ropes but Kane says “no way midget” and trips him, then pulls him out of the ring. Knox and his beard beat up Kane and applies a chinklock. Kane is strong! He holds Knox in the air before dropping him with a backdrop. Knox counters with a bicycle kick. Rey hits a head scissor, then that flippy bulldog. Pins him 69 style and the ref seems confused and counts REALLY slow. Knox kicks out and takes control. Rey slips out of his grasp and plants him with a sick DDT. Kane cant keep Rey still and neither can Knox. Its impossible! 619?!?! Nope. Kane catches him with a chokslam, but Rey counters, gets the 619 and seated senton! Cool… wait Knox breaks up the count. Knox hits his finisher, then kane hits the chokslame. Kane wins! Hes in the MITB match! Awesome. Really entertaining end to the match.

Oh Kanes not finished. He chokeslams Rey for the hell of it. Im sure he had a point. Rey probably pooped on his materz.

TONIGHT: Orton chooses who he fights at Mania… Vladamir is backstage stretching. Why even have a locker room? Everyone do their stretching in the halls or parking lot anyway. Doesn’t make sense. Oh well… Commercial time.

We’re back with a Wrestlemania Moment from ‘Maina 12. You know what match Im talking about. Michaels. Hart. Ironman. This match was completely unbelievable. Its one of the first Manias I REMEMBER watching in detail. The most memorable Sweet Chin Music of all time connects and HBK wins his first WWE Title. True classic.

The Grish is standing with a MUCH older HBK. How can HBK beat Koslov? HBK can do it because hes HBK. This arena is where ‘Mania 14 was, you know where he wrestled a 5 star match with a broken back… First HBK will end Koslovs streak tonight, then he’ll end Takers at Mania. Nice serious promo for ol Shawn.

Mickie is out for tag action. Kelly Squared comes out and wow. Thats all I can say. WOW. Commercials interupt my intense, borderline creepy stare I have on Kelly.

Miss March… Gotta go see that.

We’re back. SANTINO is in the ring! Its Kelly/Mickie vs Beth/Jillian. Melina and Maryse are at the booth with King, who no doubt as more wood than a lumberjack. Maryse has a HOTT accent. Melina and Maryse are making whore references to each other. Jillian and Beth are in control of Kelly but the unbeatable woman finds a way to tag in Mickie and she tries clearing house until Jillian fights back. Hall is the least appriciated female on the roster. She goes for her Great Muta springboard but Mickie counters. She tags in Kelly who climbs the top and hits a sunset flip. She gets the win.

Women are everywhere. Maryse hits a sick DDT on Melina on the floor and my God how hott is she?

We see the exact same video that opened the show involving Triple H and Orton. Instead of repeating myself, Im going to talk incoherently about anything. I need an official KHill’s ReCrap logo. Someone hook me up with it and your name will be mentioned in a ReCrap, and I’ll buy you a beer… Ok thats a lie but I will love you.

After the package, Legacy make their way to the ring.. Followed by really annoying looking lawyers and cops. The lawyers have a strut going on. Good God, the commercials…

We’re back and Orton has the stick. Oh he threw a curveball. Hes challenging for the World Title instead. And now hes here to press charges on Triple H. HHH is gonna play a completely new ‘game’ in jail. “Hadn’t I not escaped…” Orton, thats a double negative.

Triple H is here. Doctors say Orton has IED. Orton cant control his actions. But Triple H can control his. And he and sledgy come to the ring. Cops are like “Dude stop! You’re bigger than the guys at the mall.” As the crowd cheers him on, Game considers he can take on bullets with sledgy. Wouldnt doubt it. He drops the hammer and slowly climbs up the steps and stands on the apron. They stare each other now, and the cops hide behind Orton now… Where’s the protection?

Triple H says Orton NEEDS to beat him at Mania. He needs to avenge the moment that defined him… Evolution. HHH watched Orton become the youngest champ in history, hopefully with clothes on. Then he reminds us that he beat up Orton, turning Orton into the crappiest babyface champ of all time before HHH just took the title right back.

HHH isn’t a good person. No shit. He took what was his. Thats your excuse for killing Ortons push? I thought it was because he was becoming bigger than you. HHH says Orton is running. Hes afraid… of being jobbed? I would be too. Triple H calls Orton the kid that carried his bag in Evolution. Ortons getting cranky. Go lawyer! Cops go after Triple H. Why? Im not sure. But Orton stops them. Ahh mind games. Orton has changed his mind. Its Orton vs Triple H… under one condition… The old no contact until the match routine. Always fun. I guarantee Orton will be taking shots at his family… Oh here we go. Says it was great when he kicked Vince in the skull. And it felt even better when he did the same to Shane. But when he dropped Nipple H with the RKO he loooovvveed it. He can smell her scent, her skin… this is creepy. Triple H storms the ring. They touch foreheads, doesn’t this count as contact? Or are foreheads not a part of the anatomy?

HHH broke Ortons collarbone last time, that was business. THIS… is personal. And hes gonna… BREAK HIS NECK! Im waiting for him to say hes gonna break his FREAKIN neck! Go Angle.

TONIGHT: Cena/Edge… World Title. I smell screwjob. HBK/Koslov NEXT

HBK’s theme song is older than some Roughkut members. Depressing. He does his intro and I still love the guitar solo at the middle of his song. Koslov is out next. Hes one of those guys that just suck out the energy of everyone. No boos. No one does anything, except decide what they want on their hot dog.

The match begins and Koslov backs Shawn into the corner but HBK manages to slip out. Sunset flip fails and Koslov locks in a bearhug. Shawn fights out and applies a figure four, causing the nation to go “Woooo” but Koslov reverses and Shawn runs. Commercial time.

We’re back and Koslovs in control, makes Shawn do the flip on the turnbuckle and place him face down on the corner. Headbutts in on the back and picks him up like a rapist would the dead body of the 7 year old he had and slams him down. Cole tells us to look at Koslov. I just realized I havent mentioned Cole alot tonight… Lets keep it that way Cole. Damn. He just said Koslov put something in the “memory bank.” Where is this bank? Is it opened on Sundays?

Koslov puts HBK in “some type of submission manuever” according to Cole… Its a Torture Rack Cole. Torture Rack. Koslov is just beating the kid out of Heartbreak Kid. “HBK” chants make me turn my TV down. Waaayyy too loud. Shawn tries to fight back. Wooo! Chops! Koslov hits the Battering Ram! Thank God, Shawn kicked out. Koslov throws him in the corner and chokes a bitch. He is beating Shawn worse than Chris Brown did Rihanna’s herpe havin’ ass. Shawn fights back and shoves Koslov off the turnbuckle. He sits on the top and musters up the courage and drops the flying elbow. Shawn springs up and is ready to give us Sweet Chin Music, the Russian Remix. He hits! 1…2…3! Yay! Koslov gets hit with like 4 moves and its over…

GONG!

GONG!

Oh piss. Its dark and the music plays. HBK looks scared and Taker emerges. Staredown ensues. I suddenly got real excited about this match. Taker threatens he will cut Shawns head off at Wrestlemania as flames surround Undie. Anyone else having 1998 flashbacks with these two?

Another Hall of Fame Inductee announced next.

Cole and King plug 12 Rounds. The remake of The Mar… err I mean Cenas new movie. I’ll pass.

The next inductee is… Bill Watts! Hell yeah! You’re looking at one of the last Mid-South fans. Good choice WWE. JR will induct Watts if you care.

Grish is now with Edge. He rolls with all the cool people. Or do they roll with him? … Anyways. Edge wants to fight Cena in his hometown tonight. Edge hearts Mapquest. He wants John’s family to see him beat Cena. Commercials!

EDGE! Hes awesome.
Cena! Not so much.

Looks like we’re having in ring introductions. Whats with Cenas new hand sign? Anyone remember when they did this in Toronto? That was awesome. We start with a battle of chinlocks. Orton has trained them both apparently. I can hear a crowd battle try to start but its drownded out by the random screams throughout the arena. Cena dumps Edge out of the ring and of course like in every other match, we go to commercial during the match.

Were back and more chinlockage! Cena hits the ropes but Edge hits a big boot. This could be the slowest match ever. Cenas got a chubby. He says we cant see him but then He misses the 5 Knuckle shuffle. Does this mean Edge CAN see hiM? Edge almost wins with roll up. Cena goes for FU but that gets countered. They’re actually doing stuff now. Cena with a sunset flip but Edge counters. Gah, Edge is already an 8 time champion?!? Wow, he did it faster than Triple H. No wonder Triple H dont like him.

Edge goes to the top rope and Cena catches him, but Edge keeps countering and Cena falls to the floor. Ref starts counting. Were at 6. Cenas not moving… 8… 9… and hes in. Okay? Cenas got some Superman in him and he makes his comeback. We still cant see him and he hits the 5 Knuckle shuffle. FU gets countered into an awkward sharpshooter. Cena gets to the ropes but Edge is ready to spear him into a third crappy movie. He trips Edge and goes for the STFU. He better not tap. Edge crawls and gets the rope.

Both men are down but Edge out of nowhere hits the Spear. He pins and Supercena kicks out. Edge is like “Screw it” and gets the title. He gets caught with the FU and the ref takes the title. Edge snatches it out of his hand and decks Cena with it, ending the match. Clever. Edge is still champ.

Edge is on the stage sitting down. Big Show appears next to him and Edge looks scared. He wants Shows help up but Big Show ignores him. Vickie comes out and you know what comes next… Hey she didnt say excuse me. She names Big Show as the #1 contender for the World Title at Mania… Edge looks confused. As am I. And thats why I abruptly end this ReCrap. Tootaloo!

Like what you saw? Bookmark me!

Related Posts

1. KHill’s RAW ReCrap 2.23.09
2. Kut and Pasted News #15
3. Serious Jerry’s prophesy
4. KHill’s Top 10 Wrestlers: #10
5. Randy Orton Flop

Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!

HHH, Maryse, ReCrap