KHill’s RAW ReCrap 2.23.09

Feb 24, 2009 in lolwrestling by KHill

Ahh, it’s great to be back here. It’s been a long… LONG time since we’ve last talked. And yes I like to think I’m talking to you. YOU. No one else but you. Don’t you feel special? I love you… Too far? Well atleast things have changed since I’ve been gone. Atleast we dont have HHH holding the belt… oh wait. Well atleast Edge hasnt switched…. Oh. Um… Nevermind. ONWARD!

Video package of last weeks brawl between Orton and baby Shane. You know between Shanes kid and Stephs two nipple suckers, we have another 60 years of McMahons screwing people over. Steph takes RKO better than half the wrestlers. Video itself is rather spiffy. HHH is angry.

Vickie opens the show… Shes still here? And is still polite. Says excuse me before speaking… three times. Still fat. Oompaloompa. And slow…. oh Four times. Females and 14 year old boys scream so that must mean Cena is here. ooo… shot at Adamle. Cena steals my lines. Now Cole. Damn! Cena made me laugh! I hate him even more now!

Cena knows she dont care bout us, just Edge. Probably not a weight scale either. Cena has rematch clause. Cena vs Edge rematch #57 tonight!!! Edge comes out. Smoke chokes Big Show. I giggle. Edges hair is more… 80s rocker again. Looks like Festus in front row. I want Edge’s shirt. Edge says Cena wants to be Hogan, Austin, or Sammartino (props for droppin Bruto). Cena wants to be that guy. Edge wont let it happen. Edge is Lex Luther!

Edge is quicker and better than any other champion… so that means he’ll lose it soon. Edge’s eyes swuint WAAAYYY too much. Like Foo Fighters lead singer. When he beats Cena, fans wont have anything. Cena responds with a clap… much like Kelly Kelly does. Then drops a joke I expected as soon as he opened his mouth.

Cenas a former champ but one win away from being a future champ. Doesn’t he mean current champion? KHill is one win away from being a future champ too. Big Show speaks. Cena is loltastic /sarcasm

Friend or family. Technically he doesn’t choose. He says he’ll either fight a giant or win the title… good answer numbnuts. We all see where this is going.

Punk/Morrison/Miz for MITB spot NEXT!

Priceless arrives… Ortons with them and they look like thieves hiding from cops.

And we’re back… showing why no one likes us Tennesseeians, we are the home of that god awful country music.

Miz vs Punk vs Morrison
Wheres Lillian? Yay its The Miz! That’s alot of gold he’s got. Oh Morrison too. What awards did they win? You can cash in the breifcase at anytime. Even at K-Mart? That would be awesome! Miz and Mori try double team. Punk holds his own for minute. They take over. And then some. Punk comes back. Goes for GTS. Sends Miz outside. Mori clotheslines Punk over and all three are out of the ring. Commercial spot! My bet is that Morrison is controlling Punk in the ring and Miz is sleeping on the floor when we return…

OH I WAS RIGHT!!!! Kut, you owe me 5 bucks.

Resting with a submission, but its time for Punks second comeback. Running knee to face. Miz hits the turnbuckle clothesline to Punk. Nice spot. Miz takes control as Morrison naps on the floor. Who woulda thought the guy that got dry humped byBig Dick Johnson would be this cool? Double bulldog by Punk. Calls for end. Nearfall after powerslam. And the beginning of the tag team breakdown. We know whats about to happen… watch for the roll up by Punk. Miz and Mori fight but Punk slips in and hits the GTS on Morrison. Punk wins and going to Wrestlemania. Nice spot. These three are very entertaining. Heh theres a sign that says “Hill 3:16.” If I’m not mistaken that says I just pooped on ur materz!

HHH has an interview with Jim Ross next about what Orton did to his wife. Apparently when HHH pedigreed her so hard her boobies fell out was ok, but when Orton does something OH GOD! Its on like donky kong bitch!

Its ironic how the 5 hour energy shot commercial makes me want to go to sleep.

KHill’s Did you Know: hWo!!!

King is especially orange tonight.

JR asks HHH what his thoughts are after the event last week. HHH tries the fake tear routine. Gets choked up. Very touching. Gets some water… doesnt spit it? Lame. TALK DAMMIT! Holy God Vince is 63? I still giggle over the fact that HHH is upset that someone beat up all the McMahons, when he’s done it atleast 37 times. Crossed the line? Take that TNA. Is JR even there anymore? Ehh that was boring.

The Grish is at Ortons locker room, but Legacy walks out. Cody is Ortons spokesman. They’re ready for HHH.

Santino! He’s shaved and cleaned. Hes meets Dolph. Refuses to let him introduce himself to the women. Says Dolph has nice “abomicles” and he does too but his shirt is blocking them. 6 person tag next…

The Kamp Dreamteam (Beth/Santino/DOLPH!) vs Melina/Cryme Tyme

Cryme Tyme brings out the worst in Cole. Cole and King are saying “wiggin.”

Melina and Beth start. Melinas like a kid climbing on their dad… or “uncle.” Knees to the stomache. Santino screams. Beth goes to tag and Santino tries to tag but DOLPH! tags himself in. He and JTG are in. JTG gets the upperhand. Facebuster. DOLPH! kicks out. Dirty Ziggler pulls him down by the braids. He could join the NFL with those tackling skills. DOLPH! fakes Santino out with a fake tag. Tag to Shad who goes all apeshit on DOLPH! Now Dolph tags him in. Santinos not too happy. Psyches himself up. He angry. Ohh… its over. Thats awesome.

HBK walking down that hall, aging by the second. Commercial time.

We’re back with a ‘Mania video package. 41 days away people.

Cena kisses his dogtags… I know some kids that bought some at Wal-Mart that looks just like those. Video for Cena’s new-ish movie. I say newish because if you’ve seen the Marine, you’ve seen this. His wife gets kidnapped and hes got to be a hero. Instead of Marine, hes a cop. Not only is his wrestling repeatitive, so are his movies.

JBL’s limo is here. I guarantee hes the only man to ever have cow’s mooing in their theme song. HBK is out next and the 40 year old women are screaming for him, as im sure it has something to do with being a baby’s daddy… Remember the good HBK?

HBK drops JBL and punches. So innovative. JBL just runs him over. Even more creative! JBL misses an elbow drop. HBK slows this umm… “High paced” match, and King asks if that was “a teeth that flew.” Hmm… Good question King. Good question.

The match is going back and forth. Flair will never die! WOOO!!!! JBL has a dot on his head. But damn is that some pretty hair! JBL has control of the match. Its a very boring match. JBL knocks HBK outside the ring. Shawn rams JBL into ringpost, but they hit heads. Neither are getting up. Oh they got in. I saw a double countout. Damn commercials.

We’re back and they’re STILL DOWN! Now they’re up and the skillful punchfest continues. HBK was on top rope until JBL hits a big boot and sends HBK to the floor… again. King says JBL kicked a field goal. I never knew you had to kick a ball that was 6 feet in the air. How do you get air under it?

HBK is back in but JBL dominates with… punches. Finally a technical move. The abdominal stretch. For the record Santino would call that the abomical stretch. HBK makes the HBK comeback. Flying forarm, nip up. Two atomic drops, body slam. Goes up top. Flying elbow. Now its Sweet chin Music time. And Kings sooo happy! Like OMG Cole! He misses the kick and JBL throws him out. HBK does the skinning of the cat. JBL counters with big boot. And now JBL reminds me of my papaw when I broke my ankle and screams “Get up Boy!” Clothesline from Hell gets countered by Sweet Chin music. And thats it. HBK vs Taker at Mania.

Oh its Koslov! He looks like a kid I went to high school with. He had down syndrom. Stare off with HBK. The 1980s come alive with USA chants. Chokeslam by Koslov and thats it. Its the foreign scream that all of them apparently do. I want to go to Russia and see if they all scream like that.

“Hi Im KHill. Im from America.”

“BLLAAAHH!!!!”

“What?”

“RRRRAAAWWWRRR!!!”

“Thats a mighty deep voice for a woman so beautiful as you.”

“BLARRRGGHH!!!”

“Giggidy!”

Legacy is backstage, ready for HHH still. Smackdown preview. Hardy vs Hardy. Why have it at Wrestlemania when we can put it on MyNetwork?!?! They’re so smart!

After a Wrestlemania 24 video, Jamie Noble is in the ring. If he can last longer than 15 seconds against Knox he belongs at Wrestlemania. Hide in his beard Jamie! It’ll take him 45 seconds just to dig through it. Trust KHill. They even have a timer. Why doesnt he run? After some beatings, Knox wins. Well he made it 15 seconds. 29 seconds. Not bad at all Jamie. Book him in the main event!

Class of 2009 Hall of Fame. The Funks and Austin. And now another name. Its Ricky Steamboat. Can’t argue with this class so far. Ahh sweet the match with Flair in ’89. Steamboats in the house! Commercials come first though.

Cole introduces Ricky Steamboat. And oh my God… They are using the same music that Ultimo Dragon used in his horrible WWE run. Thats sad. I hate seeing former wrestlers getting old. As he thanks the fans, Jericho comes out. Damn I want the number of his suit store. Jerry Co bashes “The Wrestler.” Calls Ricky a loser. Now thats a straight forward insult. Oh damn he throws a lowblow to WWE there. Says that according to WWE the “NWA never existed.” Wow. Hes gonna be hearing it for that one. Calls Steamboat a circus freak for breathing fire and kissing babies… Hopefully not at the same time. Ya know, Jericho has a point about the legends that “stick around.” They all are legends but would anyone have cared bout Piper anymore if he wasn’t still floating around.

Ricky remembers signing an autogrpah for Jericho 20 years ago. Steamboat owns Jericho with a hypocrite speech. I’d write about it, but I’m into it. Good stuff by Ricky. Jericho attacks Ricky and throws him into the stage. Jerry Co is a dick. Announcers use their low toned voices. It must be serious!

Highlights of the opening… So I’ll copy and paste what I wrote. That’s how I roll.

“Edge is quicker and better than any other champion… so that means he’ll lose it soon. Edge’s eyes swuint WAAAYYY too much. Like Foo Fighters lead singer. When he beats Cena, fans wont have anything. Cena responds with a clap… much like Kelly Kelly does. Then drops a joke I expected as soon as he opened his mouth.

Cenas a former champ but one win away from being a future champ. Doesn’t he mean current champion? KHill is one win away from being a future champ too. Big Show speaks. Cena is loltastic /sarcasm

Friend or family. Technically he doesn’t choose. He says he’ll either fight a giant or win the title… good answer numbnuts. We all see where this is going.”

Told you I’d do it. Commercial time.

KHills Did You Know: I once ate four honey buns in 10 seconds.

Pre-teen boys and underage girls are going nuts again. Damn it hes back. Cena does his salute thingy that gets on my nerves. And theres vicky. She got a booty on her. And Cena has a very stereotypical white voice. Cenas going to follow her. Sorry 16 year olds, Cena wants Vicky. Out comes Chavo for an epic match! Poor Chavo will NEVER get a serious push. It’s really a shame. 5 Knuckle dumb fist drop and an FU… err I mean Attitude Adjustment (lame) and then the STFU (do they know what THAT means?) and Cena wins. That was pointless.

Legacy comes out of the locker room and Orton has sledggy. First Vince, then Shane, then Stephie… But Sledggy! DAMN you Orton! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Commercial time homies.

We’re back and there’s voices in my head, they talk to me and tell me im starving. Im dedicating myself to my 7 viewers and finishing this thing strong. Orton and Legacy with Sledggy come out. Holy crap, considering his brother and daddy its amazing how ripped Cody Rhodes is.

Orton is here to wait on Triple H. Calls the McMahons arrogant and stupid. And he’s the victim. When Vince insulted Ortons family he “kicked him in the skull!” It made me laugh. Maybe its how strong his voice is when he says it. He let Shane join Vince in the hospital. Family bonding. Steph smacked Orton and can get away with it because of what her last name is. Levesque?

People judge Orton. They have no idea what he goes through. You can tell he grew up in the 90s. I bet he was a Nirvana fan. Grunge will never die! We have no idea what kind of pressure he’s under. Triple H has his biker jacket on and his hair weighs about 5 pounds, 90% water. Why do the sledgehammers have black handles now? Is it to assure us that this is a PG rated show now? Nothing says PG like two guys ready to hit each other with sledgehammers!!!

Heh King and Cole are passing the script back and forth. Caught ya bitches.

Orton wants the sledgehammers gone. Doing it for the kids. Orton drops his and… HHH drops his. Probably has another. Takes off his jacket… sloooowwww mooootioooonnnn… Stare down time. So intense!

And I was right! He pulls the real sledggy out and Orton runs. Triple H follows Legacy as random wrestlers are like “WTF dood?” Orton and DiBiase manage to get in a room. Wheres Cody? HHH tries breaking the door in. I wonder how much of this is pre-taped. He has them trapped. Teds down. Now its just Orton and Game. HHH breaks the mirror and Orton escapes. Throws chairs in his way totally works guys. They keep running and get in a car that Cody had started. They drive off and HHH fails. And he breathes hard enough to blow over the car as we go off air.

So yeah thats this weeks ReCrap. Nothing spectacular, but you know you missed me and my odd sense of humor. I guess you can call it…

Vintage KHill.

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