Retro Reviews: He-Man

photo credit: thecreatrus

Talk about nostalgia. He-Man and the Masters of the Universe is so old school that I don’t remember a single episode. Which is why I am ecstatic that I was introduced to a new toy by a forum member today. It’s called Hulu for those who are two days behind everyone else like me. Basically, a non n00b factory version of YouTube… it has full version TV shows and stuff.

It’s funny, I remember logging hours of He-Man but I don’t retain any memory of it. Must be the side effects of that decade long pixie stick/Pixy Stix snorting binge in the 80s.

I know I had a few of the toys. I had He-Man, Battle Cat with the unmovable legs that pissed me off and a few others like Skunk-ore or whatever his name was that I stole from the neighbor kid’s garage. So here, I revisit an original Filmation episode of He-man titled “Masks of Power“, because everything has something to do with power obsession on this show. For example, each show begins with a pink clad Adam explaining to us in detail that he was endowed with “Fabulous secret powers”.

He goes on to tells us that he can change into He-Man, the most powerful man in the Universe! You see my point. That’s quite an egotistical prick of a claim, unless he’s beaten EVERYBODY else in the entire universe. Makes it even more pretentious that he’s telling us this information himself and didn’t bother to use a narrator. We start the show with Adam, looking fabulous, and Duncan (Man at Arms) and Orko walking through the most hideous looking jungle I’ve ever seen.

They are looking for an Ancient City that we learn later is impossible to find, because it’s been lost for centuries. So of course they find said city within seconds of searching. It’s important to note here, because I forgot to say it earlier pretty much,  that like most American televised versions of comic, this show is completely gayed up to epic proportions. If you read the original version of this episode on Wiki, you’ll see major flips in the plot. In fact, the entire show is really sort of loosely based on the cooler, original comic. Christ, I’m turning into Insider… (A fanboy on my forums) As they stroll casually into what is possibly the greatest discovery in Eternia’s history, Adam explains why they must be the first to get the power so they can use it for the good of all men- typical. Duncan, then for whatever reason walks face first into a solid stone wall, causing an avalanche of bricks. Adam then says that he was told by the bitch dressed like a bird that the temple might be haunted. What those two things have to do with each other is not explained.

It is then that we meet Skeletor, who I must admit is quite the badass villain. He’s looking at the gang through his crystal ball/trouble board game.

Skeletor demands assistance from his evil warriors and almost instantly two twins, because twins come in pairs, materialize out of thin air. I assume they are twins because they have similar names.

Era and Una, the two introduce themselves. At this point you’ll notice that the artists of this show go into auto-pilot and the artwork gets real shitty at certain point. Era appears to be made out of a huge “W”, an arrow and a bunch of squiggly lines. These two most powerful sorcerers proceed to kiss Skeletor’s ass and beg to do his bidding. Which is explained will lead to “Power” when Una questions Era’s judgment. There we go again with the obsession; you’d think everyone was republican on this show. Skeletor answers by immediately literally pushing a button that opens a trap door that is apparently located ANYWHERE in his floor and commits attempted murder on the twins.

Una manages to avoid a bloody death of being impaled on spikes with his …ball on a stick? Scepter? Skeletor is very impressed with this feat of cunning and skill and ponders it further as he leaves them hanging on for their lives. When Skeletor yells down the hole “What else can you do”? They magically appear outside the trap door somehow. This impresses Skeletor more and he gives them the honor of bowing down to his feet for their reward. Instead, they offer him anal sex.

Moments later, the gang find themselves in a darkened room; Duncan decides to start boiling water for some fucking reason. I suspect that he’s making crack to get him through this ridiculous plot. Orko starts doing what his role is for, adding useless filler to the pointless show. Basically fucking everything up, breaking ancient relics and such.

Una and Era, possessed by the search for power, get to the temples and somehow know exactly where everything is, including secret rooms. Nothing is to too hard if it leads to power, Una says as he lifts a monolithic stone to get to a secret room. The twins then find a room, led by what has now become a category 12 bat-shit power high find the “Masks of Power” and don’t hesitate to put them on… to get power.

So they change into even more power obsessed demons that have even more magical powers. These two are the only characters in the show that wear more than furry underwear. Even Duncan wears furry underwear and he’s an android!

Adam decides it’s good time to change into He-Man so he goes into another room, comes back as He-Man and the evil demon honestly believes that someone else just came to join the party. They forget Adam existed and trap He-Man in a glass box… with his sword inside.

So he busts out the box with a single swing and the sorcerer couple create a giant monkey to beat He-man. Yes, a giant monkey. He-Man is able to fairly quickly save Duncan, Orko, beat the monkey in an arm wrestling contest and get back to Greyskull in a manner of seconds. Meanwhile, the evil couple go visit Snake Mountain and find Skeletor there who is pissed by now that his castle is this unsecure. They demand that Skeletor bow, Skelly refuses and then is forced to give them anal sex instead.

He-Man and the evil demon guy fight over what they were looking for the entire time, another sword… a talking sword… stuck in a diamond. Well,”Quartz” as the Sorceress told us. After the sword is freed, it gets a little horny (Hey it’s been a while since it’s been free) and bonds with He-Man’s sword and make one bad ass sword which floats back over to He-Man. I wish the sword would shut the fuck up at this point.

Una and Era turn back into themselves and decide that they don’t want the power so much anymore. Skeletor is pissed as usual that he was defied and He-man says he’s going to put him in jail. This is funny, because He-Man saved him from a prison earlier in the show. Skeletor says fuck that and runs away. Literally runs away through a portal. He-Man makes witty one-liner #1302 and invites the two who just spent the whole show trying to kill him and have the ability to teleport, to fly back home in his jet to the light side of the planet. The show ends, Teela gives us the moral which is pretty much “don’t make mistakes” and that’s all folks.

Feel free to watch the show yourself here: http://www.hulu.com/he-man-and-the-masters-of-the-universe If you liked what you just read, hit some of those pretty buttons under the post… and make some comments whether you liked it or not.

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He-Man and the Masters of the Universe